Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Too Old

Do you ever feel like your stumbling around in your own life?  I mean, really stumbling? 

I feel that way now.  I feel so conflicted.  I feel like I know where I want to go, but I'm not sure how I can get there.  And really, if I'm to be honest with myself, where I want to go is not a reasonable destination. 

I want to do too many things.  I love being a SAHM people.  I do!  I love my daughter.  I want to be with her 24/7.  Well, OK, as long as I can get a shower, some sleep, and maybe go out for a few hours to myself once in a blue moon, but mostly 24/7.

But, I also have other ambitions.  I've talked about wanting to be a personal trainer.  I definitely do want to do that.  I've helped an old co-worker lose weight healthfully.  I've gotten friends to work out and feel better about themselves.  I've worked with kids and taught them gymnastics and boxing (yeah, didn't I tell you I used to box, totally bad a** right?!)  And every time I've done these things I've LOVED it!  I could see myself doing it for a living!

I also want to be a Pediatric NP.  I used to want to be a Doctor.  Then real life hit me in the face a couple of times and I realized a nurse was way more up my alley.  I want more interaction with the patients than a Doctor gets to have.  I respect Doctors.  I think they are amazing.  The schooling they have to go through.  The responsibilty on their shoulders.  It is astounding.  But, it is also not for me.  When I was in Iraq, I got to assist in healing babies, kids with horrific burns.  It was heart renching and one of the most rewarding things I have ever done in my life.  I want that kind of satisfaction from my job daily.  I want to help people.  I want to help kids.

And, I want to write.  Something good.  Something people read.  Something they want to read.  Something to be remembered for.

And bake, I love baking.  I may not be the best at it by any means, but I love it.

So, where do you go from here?  I mean, obviously, I cannot do all of these things.  I cannot be a SAHM and be a practicing NP.  I cannot be a SAHM and a PT.  I can be a SAHM and bake and write.  I can be a NP who occassionally writes and bakes and maybe even one who trains a few friends or gives out a lot of free fitness advice.  I can be a PT who stays at home with her daughter a lot and works a few hours a week. 

So what is it that I should do?  I hate that I even have to make a decision here.  I know that it isn't all up to me.  I'm on a wait list to go back to school for nursing.  If I do not get in off the wait list that won't even be an option.  I could study for and take the PT certification test and fail.  I could try and start taking writing jobs but never get picked up for anything. 

There are so many factors to consider.  There is what I want.  There is what I can actually do.  There is reality.  There are bills that need to be paid and a lifestyle that I want to achieve for myself and for my daughter (and future kid(s) - fingers crossed).  There are pie in the sky dreams.  There is the reasonable, realistic Mom in me and there is the young dreamer.  It just feels like all these thoughts and dreams are constantly battling it out in my brain.  Struggling.  And in the meantime, I am stumbling.  I am stumbling about trying to find my footing.  Aren't I too old for this?  Shouldn't I have things more together?  I'm almost thirty for heaven's sake!

Does anyone else feel this way?  Or am I still stumbling out here all alone?



Courtney K. said...

I feel this way quite often. I have so, so many things that I want to do and I generally feel like I'm bumping around everywhere trying to pick and choose. I'm sure that whatever you decide, you will be great at it! Good luck!

Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress said...

For the latter part of my 20's, I struggled with this same issue. I wanted to do so many things, but because I had so many ambitions, I felt paralyzed and afraid. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do FIRST and that really stumped me.

So, I did this.

I made an actual list of all the things I wanted to do on a piece of beautiful paper. I wrote out all the things I wanted and under each goal, I outlined EXACTLY what it would take to reach those goals. When you have a lot of stuff jumbled in your head, it's hard to see the fine print sometimes.

Then, I decided that while I couldn't achieve everything at once, I could devote a small portion of each and every day to crossing things off the list.

I gave each goal 20 minutes of my time initially, then according to how far along I was getting, I would readjust. If I needed to fill out forms or study or research of go somewhere and talk to someone or drop something off, I just forced myself to do it.

If I ever felt paralyzed, I would just look at my list and find the easiest, dumbest thing and do it.

Eventually, it worked itself out. Some things, I found I no longer wanted to do, some never met my realistic time goals and others I accomplished!

Good luck, friend. you can do it.

Ameena said...

Oh my friend - I feel like I'm still trying to figure things out and I am 34! My advice to you is figure out what you want to do MOST and pursue that ASAP. Time goes by in a flash and you don't want to be 34 regretting the fact that you didn't do something - kind of like me??

It's never too late!! Just don't forget that.

Marisa said...

Sometimes I think we're twins! I feel the EXACT SAME WAY!

Marisa said...

Also, good idea there Elizabeth... I'd like to emulate some of your kick@ss organization!

TheBabyMammaChronicles said...

Oh my goodness, and all this time I thought I was alone in this! Thank you ladies for letting me know I'm not the only one! And to know that such fabulous women that I truly respect feel/have felt this way, shew, it makes it so much more manageable!

Courtney, thank you, you are so sweet! You, and your blog, are always so encouraging!

Elizabeth, thank you for the fantastic advice! I am constantly trying to improve my organization skills!

Ameena, what do you regret not doing? I know you're working on your fantastic book! That's so huge! And so fantastic!

And Marisa, indeed we do seem to be twinsies in many ways!

Mommy Needs a Vacation said...

Oh sister!!! You speak my language! I also want to be a SAHM, be a teacher, be a nurse, do marketing and write. And I ALWAYS change my mind. Flow your heart and you will be happy!

Lila said...

First - breath Honey! Life is longer than it may seem like on this day. There really is time to do so much, but it doesn't all have to happen today. Women accomplish things, amazing things, in every decade of their lives. Your list is good, and you have a start on writing with your blog. I definitely advocate for the nursing, stay on the list, take the classes as you're able, and enjoy your child.

Personal trainer, and absolutely anything else you want to try are great, just take it one day at a time and know that you'll make the right decisions as you go along.

TheBabyMammaChronicles said...

Rachel, I'm going to try! I think you would be excellent at any of those things!

Lila, thank you so much for the advice and the encouragement!

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