No Skype

Kind of feeling a bit sad right now.  I haven't talked to my husband the past two days.  Kaia's stayed up to talk to her Daddy.  She misses him too, I know she does.  She's wiggling all over on the floor right now.  She hasn't rolled over again yet but somehow she has still managed to turn herself around the clock from 6 to 12.  She is so silly!  It seems like at any moment she will flip herself from her back to her tummy.  She is so close.  She hikes her knees up to her tummy and rolls all the way over on her side.  I think the only thing stopping her right now is how much she HATES tummy time.

I think I'm decided on a Nanny for sure now.  Kaia and I did an in home interview today and she answered all my questions like I hoped she would.  She is OK with what we're able to pay.  She is OK with the hours.  She knows baby CPR.  She's nannied for 3 families before, she gave me all their phone numbers.  And best of all, Kaia seemed to like her pretty well.  She lives close by too so we won't have to make accommodations for live in which is nice to not have to worry about since we're renting and would have to clear with the landlords and we'd lose our guest bedroom for when friends and family come over.

Despite the suckiness of not being able to talk to Todd tonight, Kaia and I did do our elliptical time today.  She's a good workout buddy.  We spent 31 minutes 30 seconds on it.  Then I did 20 push-ups and 40 sit-ups to finish up.  I am definitely out of shape and I'm not loving the workouts yet but I'm forcing myself to keep doing it.  It has been making me feel better.  Between the workouts and the vitamins hopefully I'm back to where I want to be before too long.

Off to try and get my angel to sleep since Daddy's still not on.  Fingers crossed and prayers that we'll get to talk to Daddy tomorrow.  Sweet dreams all.

5 Months!

Happy 5 month birthday baby!  (One day late because the computer didn't want to cooperate yesterday, I'm sorry!)  I can hardly believe you've been here, with me, for the past 5 months and it's even harder to believe when you consider you've been, with me, for well over a year when you count "tummy time."  You never cease to amaze me.  The littlest things are the biggest things to a Mama.  Who would have ever thought I would find poopy diapers and baby toots the cutest thing in the world.  And may I just say, waking up to your little voice and sweet little angelic face in the morning is pretty much the best thing ever - probably shouldn't tell Daddy that.  You haven't grown much this month.  You're still weighing in right at 13 pounds and are about 26 -ish inches.  You've rolled over from your stomach to your back, twice, on the same night but will not, for the life of me, repeat it.  We've decided to wait a little bit longer before trying solid food because you're not that interested yet.  Maybe this month, or next.  OK, now for your part.  Your likes and dislikes are not that much different, but so we don't forget, I'm going to let you list them all again. 

Here are the things I love:

1.    I love being held, this part isn't new, but, sometimes I even like being held when we're sitting down too - but back to not usually!
2.    I love the sound that plastic makes.  (Think Mommy digging into a plastic bag of reeces pieces)
3.    I love to laugh when I find things that are silly - like puppies.  The puppies are definitely the funniest things in the world.
4.    I love my Teddy.  I'm kinda over my snail though.
5.    I love rattles, and all things that make a rattling sound.
6.    I love walks - a lot (but not so much when it's freezing out).
7.    I love talking to Daddy on the phone/skype - but it's still kind of confusing.
8.    I really love my co-sleeper!
9.    I also love my Your Baby Can Read video - I just moved on to video number two today!
10.  I love listening to the book Daddy recorded for me.
11.  I love sucking in my lower lip.
12.  I love waking up in the mornings.
13.  I love my fingers.  And my toes, but not as much.
14.  I still love bouncing and dancing.
15.  I love walking, jogging, and elliptical riding.
16.  I love silly sounds, all kinds.
17.  I still like making Mommy look silly trying to make me happy, and oh how well she does it too!
18.  I love the sounds animals make, and animals in general.
19.  I love music, right now I'm really digging my Christmas CD.
20.  I love sitting up by myself on the couch or in my swing, sometimes, I still prefer being held.
21.  I still really love milk.
22.  I love talking on the phone - especially to Grandma.
23.  I love my Bjorn.
24.  I love staying up late, just not as late as I used to, 1030 is my normal bedtime now.
25.  I love licking Mommy's plastic water glass.
26.  I love ripping Mommy's glasses off her face.
27.  I love looking out windows at the world.
28.  I love splish, splashing in the bath.
28.  I love wiggling around on the floor, as long as you don't put me on my tummy.
29.  I absolutely adore standing, with assistance of course.
30.  Having visitors, especially relatives, rocks.  It means more loving arms for extra snuggles.
31.  My favorite book, aside from Daddy's of course, is How Do I Love You?
32.  I love getting out of the house for awhile to people watch.
33.  I love talking and speaking my mind.
34.  Mommy and Daddy are still pretty cool too.
Here are the things I detest:

1.   Daddy being gone.
2.   My fingernails being clipped.
3.   Sleeping, especially during the day.
4.   Tummy Time.
5.   Shots.
6.   My mittens.
7.   Socks and/or shoes.
8.   Having Mommy put my onesie on first thing in the morning.
9.   Waking up from the few naps I do take, I'm usually crying.
10.  Q-tips
11.  I'm usually not too big of a fan of my car seat.

I think that about covers it everybody.  Mama and I love you all for reading!  Come back soon!

Oh, and Mommy and I did exercise yesterday, 32 minutes on the elliptical again, bench press, leg extension, sit-ups, and push-ups, so we might be lazy today.  We finally posted our cupcakes from last week over at my other blog too, Kaia's Cupcakes, so go check them out.

& Kaia

Holiday Workout

Did I tell you my gym is all put up downstairs?  My sweet friend Karen's husband, Ryan, finished it this week.

Tonight I finished 32 minutes on the elliptical, did 50 sit-ups, and 15 push-ups.  It wasn't the best workout I've ever done, but since I haven't been working out a ton since labor, it was still tough.  And, even better, I feel great!  I really need to get back on the train for real this time.  I'm running out of time to get back in shape.  Please, please, help me.  If I haven't posted what I've done at least three times a week, absolute minimum, then bug me about it.  Even if I have, bug me about it anyway.  Tell me what you think I should be doing.  Tell me what you've been doing.  Ask me what I've been doing.  When I'm going to post what I've been doing.  When I'm going to get brave and start posting my "stats" again.  Anything at all to get me motivated.

Hope you all are having a wonderful holiday weekend!

Homelessness & Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all.  While there are probably a million things to be happy for this year, one that means a lot to me, aside from the obvious hubby and daughter, is my warm home.  I ask that you please remember that, this season, not everyone is so lucky to have this simple pleasure.  Here are some facts from our country that I got from PBS.

Between 2.3 and 3.5 million people in the U.S. find themselves homeless during a given year.  1 out of 50, or 1.5 million children are homeless every year.  23% of those that are homeless are chronically homeless.  Recession has had a large impact on these numbers.  Alaska, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Idaho, Nevada, Oregon, Rhode Island, Washington State, and Washington, D.C. have the highest rates of homelessness.  Can you imagine being homeless in Alaska?!  Can you imagine being a baby, a Grandma, or someone with a serious medical condition and being homeless in Alaska?!

It is believed that approximately 40% of males that are homeless are veterans.  That means they served our country, were willing to die for us, and now they are sleeping on the streets, under bridges, or in shelters.

Many people who are homeless also suffer from mental illness and/or HIV/AIDS and other acute and chronic health problems.

If you're interested in what you can do to help go to The National Coalition for the Homeless

A Nanny

Keep your fingers crossed . . . I just might have found myself a Nanny!  Thank you so much Ameena for the tip on GoNannies.Com!

Asking for prayers from our wonderful readers that everything works out and that she is a wonderful, sweet, trustworthy person!

Thanksgiving Giving

Hi sweet readers!  Happy almost Turkey Day!

I know that the focus on Thanksgiving tends to be on the beginning of the word, "Thanks," which is fantastic!  There are so many things that we can all be thankful for.  Like I've mentioned before, I am so grateful for my handsome husband, my beautiful daughter, friends, family, and You!  But, the other part of Thanksgiving is the "Giving" part.  A lot of times, one of the nicest things you can give at Thanksgiving is food to those who don't have enough.  But, I know times are tough for us all these days.  So, here is something you can do for FREE all it'll take you is a minute of your time.  No, really, completely free, absolutely no gimics, tricks, or strings attached.  My good bloggy friend Elizabeth at Flourish In Progress is donating one dollar per comment on her post Erasers For Everyone to purchase toys for deserving, and needing, children.  Please, please go visit her so that she can buy a LOT of toys and not just a few erasers, as precious as even those can be!  And, for all you Glee fans, "Don't be a Sue!"

Big ThanksGiving Hugs!

Quality Childcare

Question of the day, does quality childcare exist?  If it does exist, does it exist at a reasonable price point?  My mom used to do in home childcare when I was growing up.  I have no idea what she charged.  I'm pretty sure it was next to nothing and she did a darn good job of watching those kids if you ask me.  So, maybe I have unrealistic expectations?  Or am out of touch with the current reality of childcare?

As I mentioned, I am going back to school in January.  That is very short notice to find quality childcare.  I have looked in the past, just in case, with little success.  I've even interviewed some women.  Let's just say the interviews were TERRIBLE!  One was sweet, I guess, but didn't speak very good English (not a huge deal) but it was a huge deal to me that she didn't seem particularly warm.  The other girl was a college student who wanted me to drive Kaia over to her college apartment with like 70 roommates in one little place so she could watch Kaia there for like $20 an hour!  Um, I don't think so crazy as hell chic.

So I'd LOVE to have a "Nanny" or someone to come watch Kaia at the house anyway but everyone here charges a minimum of $10 an hour for that.  Maybe that's actually cheap?  To me it seems expensive when I have one baby who happens to be the best, sweetest, least fussy in the world.  But, I also wouldn't mind bringing her to a small in home daycare either.  There are hardly any here!  And most of them that are here seem a bit run down or in bad areas.  Traditional daycare is my least favorite idea but even they are expensive!  And, to top it all off, none of them seem to be open the hours I need!  Clinicals start early morning and none of these places open until like 730am.

There's a daycare by my school that seems like it might be a good match (though they don't open until 7 either) and their rates are $100 a week cheaper than here where I live, ridiculous!  But, then I'd have to make Kaia, at 6 months old, ride at least 2 1/2 hours in the car everyday.  That seems a lot to ask of a sweet baby.

I don't know what to do!  Any suggestions?  Anyone looking for a job?  Want to come be my Nanny or know anyone who would want to?  You could even live here for free if you're not a crazy pants.

School Girl

I found out the other day, I am no longer on the wait list for school!  I will be starting on my journey to become a nurse in January.  I am very excited about it.  This is something I've wanted to do now for quite awhile.  I was not sure that everything was going to come together.  It was such a long wait and so many steps to get to where I am now.  I was thrilled.

Yet, there was a moment.  A very distinct moment, after I hung up the phone, and when I went to pick up Kaia, that I nearly broke down.  The tears welled up and threatened to pour out.  I will miss my sweet baby so dearly while I am in class and at the hospital doing my clinicals.  I know that it will be good for both of us in the long run.  But, she is my sweet angel.  She is, like I said, my little bestie.  Please pray for us and keep your fingers crossed that I find childcare that I feel comfortable and confident leaving her in while I pursue this dream.

True Confessions: Have a Pint

Of Ben & Jerry's that is!  So, I must confess, in the middle of my meltdown yesterday, while trying to get up the courage and drive to throw out all of that 4 months of pumped breast milk, I pulled out my pint of Ben & Jerry's to see what state it was in.  It was in the deliciously melty state that I love.  And, as I mentioned, I am an emotional eater, so I fished around for several bites of brownie bits and cookie dough before recapping and getting down to business.  May I just say the indulgence was delightful and it made me feel so much better.

Throwing out all that milk did suck though.  And the day seemed endless.  I was feeling achy in my joints all day and I could not feel warm to save my life.  Kaia stayed awake until almost 1am to top it off but . . . the day was not all bad.  At approximately 9pm on November 17th, Kaia rolled over, twice!  From front to back.  It was amazing!  Of course she would not repeat it on camera or skype for her Daddy nor would she repeat the act today, but she did it and I saw her and I am so proud!  What an amazing little angel!  And, I got to talk to her handsome Daddy on skype for like an hour so I guess I could not ask for too much more goodness.

Oh, and the fridge/freezer is now fixed so back to trying to restock the supply.  It was the motherboard ladies.  I know, I know, I thought that was a term I would only hear when some lame, I mean totally awesome, sci-fi movie/show was being talked about but, apparently, your fridge has one too.  Who knew?

Meltdown

Look out world, I'm about to have a meltdown.  No, seriously, I am.

We rent, I don't know if I've mentioned that.  It generally is not important and so does not come up in conversations or posts.  Anyway, the point of this post is that our refrigerator/freezer stopped working.  Have you ever stopped to wonder how much money is sitting in your fridge?   Probably at least a couple of hundred dollars right?  Well, oh well, that blows but that's something I can get over if I have to.  Some things may be able to be salvaged.  Other things will get thrown out but there's a grocery store right across the street.  Nothing in there is irreplaceable . . .

Oh wait, I'm a nursing mother who has been planning on possibly going back to school when my daughter's 6 months old and who wants to continue to give her breast milk for a full year.  So, naturally, I have been pumping for almost the whole of her existence as well.  Never mind I have 4 1/2 months worth of saved milk in my freezer.  No problem that all of that has to get disposed of now.  No, really, sweet landlord and lady, please, take your time and call me back within an hour to let me know what you're going to do!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Best Friend is Five Months Old (Almost)

My daughter is my new best friend!  I just love her to pieces!  I know a mother is not supposed to be "friends" with her kids but, in our case, for now, I think it works for us.  Kaia does everything with her Mommy.  She is always there.  I wake up with her in the morning (and through the night ;), I dress her and she hangs out patiently while I get dressed, I feed her, she's there for moral support when I eat.  We watch her video together.  She cuddles with me while I type or read.  I wipe her butt, or in today's case, catch her poop in baby wipes (I know it sounds gross but it actually was fantastic considering the alternative of cleaning it off of all of her after it's squished around her diaper and out onto her body and clothes!)  I talk to her.  She talks to me.  She lifts my spirits with her little laughs and smiles.  Somehow I make her laugh and smile.  Who could ask for a better friend than that?!

On another note, my sweet friends Karen and Ryan are coming over tomorrow to help me get the gym set up!  They are wonderful and I can't wait to get it up so I can start using it!  Mommy really needs some elliptical time!

Emotional Eating

Medicine Net defines emotional eating as, "Emotional eating is the practice of consuming large quantities of food -- usually "comfort" or junk foods -- in response to feelings instead of hunger. Experts estimate that 75% of overeating is caused by emotions."

This is totally me!  It's not all the time but, generally, when I overeat this is my problem.  I'm sad about something so i fill my belly with M&Ms, cupcakes, or ice cream.  I think I definitely overdid it on the comfort foods today.  I had Cinnamon Toast Crunch (and a banana!) for breakfast, pizza for lunch, a cupcake for a snack.  I did have squash, potatoes, and carrots for dinner but then I finished off with ice cream.  This is a problem, no?  I think I need someone to come and stay so I can stop this craziness!

Besides, even when i'm not emotionally eating junk, I'm still eating like crap since Todd's gone.  Most meals, if I eat a "meal" at all is a hodge podge of foods like crackers and yogurt that are eaten standing up next to the island bouncing my sweet baby on my hip.  Not exactly inspiring healthy eating!

But, I promise to try and start doing better.

Memories

My Mom just left.  I got a tremendous amount of things done while she was here.  Kaia got extra snuggles.  The doggies got extra walks.  I could not have asked for a better visit with her.  I miss her already and wish she didn't have to go.

Now that I'm a Mom too, I thought it was important for my Mom to know that I really do have so many good memories from my childhood and how grateful I am to her for the part she played in the person I am today.  Some of my favorites?

* Baking massive amounts of cookies, all kinds: chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, sugar, etc, and laying them out to cool on brown paper bags all over every surface of the kitchen.
* Waking up early and watching my Mom cook my Dad breakfast before work - pancakes, eggs, bacon.
* Playing in the yard and trying to get passing semis to honk their horn.
* Sledding down the hill across the street.
* Talks with my Mom when she'd take me on drives, just the two of us.
* Dinners as a family, my Mom's home cooked meals - lots of casseroles, mmm!
* Family reunions
* All the trips to the library
* Swim team, gymnastics, soccer, softball, and anything in between
* My Mom reading to me and giving all the characters different/fun voices
* Sharing a room with my favorite person ever . . . my sister!
* Planting two trees
* Homemade apple pie and fresh rhubarb with sugar

There's so many memories to choose from!  I hope someday Kaia will look back on her childhood and smile.  I want to provide her with a lifetime of good memories!

Cupcakes & Dining

I made vanilla cupcakes with vanilla buttercream frosting today - more details over at Kaia's Cupcakes.  I also made a successful trip to the post office this time - thanks to my Mom!

Then, we finished the evening off with good friends and good food.  Karen and Ryan introduced us all to a new fabulous restaurant and all our families got to meet!

Now, unfortunately, is a countdown to my Mom leaving. 

ProBlogger

So, I decided I'm going to take the ProBlogger 31 day challenge - though it will, likely, take me more than 31 days.  I am looking forward to seeing the results.

Also, all of my fitness equipment is here and waiting anxiously to be put together and used!  I just need to get it set up . . . yeek!

Tomorrow is cupcake day over at Kaia's Cupcakes.  I will be making a vanilla cupcake but am not decided on the frosting yet.

My Mom's visit is nearing it's end and I am not looking forward to her departure.  Most of her time here has been spent helping me mark tasks off of my list.  While absolutely needed, I feel bad we were not able to relax and enjoy each other more for her visit.  I know we'll see her again in a few more months but I really wish she was closer all the time!

Thank You!

Today is Veteran's Day.  It's an important day to me.  Not because I am a Veteran, but because some of my favorite people were and are.

I've been to Iraq.  It's not a place I want to return anytime soon (though I am glad for the experience).  My husband went to Iraq twice and is in Afghanistan now.  My old Soldiers are in Iraq.  I have close friends who are in both conflicts currently.  One of the men I respect most in the world is a Vietnam Veteran. 

I think that everyone should know that, while deployed, Soldiers - and government contractors, American men and women, live in trailers (if they are lucky) and tents.  They eat meals ready to eat (food in plastic bags that are often eaten cold) or mass produced food in large fly infested cafeterias.  At times, they are shot at with many types of guns, rockets, and mortars.  Sometimes, they are struck by improvised explosive devices.  They are kept away from their families, the people they love the most in the world, for months to a year - or over.  Internet communication is limited, if it exists at all.  Sometimes, there is no access to phones.  Sometimes, on the worst of days, you lose a friend.  Then, after a short visit home, a kiss to a loved one, a trip to the mall and the movies, the Soldier's country asks her to go and do it all over again.

The other day, my Mom told me that most people that she works with have no idea what it is like for the deployed Soldier.  I can understand that.  I can understand being removed, not realizing, not knowing someone personally and so not feeling invested.  What I cannot understand is what she said next.  She said most of them don't care to know.  Not care?!  I must admit that, at this, I found myself fighting back tears.  Not care?!

I know I do not know the people my Mom was talking about but I most certainly do know the people they don't care about.  I took it personally because these people, if they die, they are not a number to me, they are not a coffin draped in a flag.  These people, to me, are: husband, father, best friend, brother, sister.  They are mothers and fathers of beautiful young babies.  They are extraordinary people with bright futures and big dreams.  I don't expect thanks.  I do ask, please, for a little respect.  Please, these people mean the world to me.  Care.

On the lighter side of Veteran's Day, thank you Chilis for my delicious and free salad! 

Too Old

Do you ever feel like your stumbling around in your own life?  I mean, really stumbling? 

I feel that way now.  I feel so conflicted.  I feel like I know where I want to go, but I'm not sure how I can get there.  And really, if I'm to be honest with myself, where I want to go is not a reasonable destination. 

I want to do too many things.  I love being a SAHM people.  I do!  I love my daughter.  I want to be with her 24/7.  Well, OK, as long as I can get a shower, some sleep, and maybe go out for a few hours to myself once in a blue moon, but mostly 24/7.

But, I also have other ambitions.  I've talked about wanting to be a personal trainer.  I definitely do want to do that.  I've helped an old co-worker lose weight healthfully.  I've gotten friends to work out and feel better about themselves.  I've worked with kids and taught them gymnastics and boxing (yeah, didn't I tell you I used to box, totally bad a** right?!)  And every time I've done these things I've LOVED it!  I could see myself doing it for a living!

I also want to be a Pediatric NP.  I used to want to be a Doctor.  Then real life hit me in the face a couple of times and I realized a nurse was way more up my alley.  I want more interaction with the patients than a Doctor gets to have.  I respect Doctors.  I think they are amazing.  The schooling they have to go through.  The responsibilty on their shoulders.  It is astounding.  But, it is also not for me.  When I was in Iraq, I got to assist in healing babies, kids with horrific burns.  It was heart renching and one of the most rewarding things I have ever done in my life.  I want that kind of satisfaction from my job daily.  I want to help people.  I want to help kids.

And, I want to write.  Something good.  Something people read.  Something they want to read.  Something to be remembered for.

And bake, I love baking.  I may not be the best at it by any means, but I love it.

So, where do you go from here?  I mean, obviously, I cannot do all of these things.  I cannot be a SAHM and be a practicing NP.  I cannot be a SAHM and a PT.  I can be a SAHM and bake and write.  I can be a NP who occassionally writes and bakes and maybe even one who trains a few friends or gives out a lot of free fitness advice.  I can be a PT who stays at home with her daughter a lot and works a few hours a week. 

So what is it that I should do?  I hate that I even have to make a decision here.  I know that it isn't all up to me.  I'm on a wait list to go back to school for nursing.  If I do not get in off the wait list that won't even be an option.  I could study for and take the PT certification test and fail.  I could try and start taking writing jobs but never get picked up for anything. 

There are so many factors to consider.  There is what I want.  There is what I can actually do.  There is reality.  There are bills that need to be paid and a lifestyle that I want to achieve for myself and for my daughter (and future kid(s) - fingers crossed).  There are pie in the sky dreams.  There is the reasonable, realistic Mom in me and there is the young dreamer.  It just feels like all these thoughts and dreams are constantly battling it out in my brain.  Struggling.  And in the meantime, I am stumbling.  I am stumbling about trying to find my footing.  Aren't I too old for this?  Shouldn't I have things more together?  I'm almost thirty for heaven's sake!

Does anyone else feel this way?  Or am I still stumbling out here all alone?

Finally, a Friend!

First, let me start this off with the admission that I know this is pathetic but . . . I've lived here for 6 months now and I have made my first friend!  (Of course I have the fabulous Karen but, to be honest, I just got lucky in knowing her from work before we both moved out here.)

Met Selby for coffee at Starbucks tonight and she is too sweet.  Kaia and I will both now look forward to her baby getting here so Kaia can have a friend too :)

On another note, Kaia is a complete angel and was so good all day even though we did a million things.  Lucky Mommy!  Not so lucky in doggie motherhood though.  One of the A holes peed in the house again. 

I took the day off exercising today as I was a good girl and did something everyday last week!  Though it may be somewhat negated as I am also, generally, consuming a cupcake every day because of our cupcake project.  What's your favorite flavor?

Study Sunday

I finished all of my work here today so, . . . it's time to get on to studying!  I really need to get moving on the book teaching me about becoming a personal trainer!  I wish it was smaller though so I could read it while I hold Kaia.  It's so awkward and heavy though!  I need an e-book version. 

I'm going to keep this short because I want to get in as much as I can before my mandatory afternoon run (2 miles today) which I guess is good that I finally test my foot out on more than a walk and strength training.  Besides, it seems most people don't do a lot of blog reading on the weekend.

How has your weekend been going?  I hope well!

Baby's Deep Thoughts

I am working this weekend.  That means that I get up early, very early, to drive to work, have a full day, and then have a drive home from work.  This, hopefully, will be the last weekend of the drive.  In any case, as Todd is gone, my Mom decided to visit this week/weekend to help me out with Kaia over these two days.

As many of you already know, Kaia does not like to go to bed at night.  Last night was no different.  I tried to stay up with her.  Then I went to bed because I knew I had to wake up so early.  But, finally, I could take it no longer.  I felt bad for my baby and for my Mom when I heard her continue to scream bloody murder.  After a little loving on her, I got her to calm down.

But . . . it was nothing short of horrific for me, heartbreaking!  My beautiful, little, even tempered, calm child was fit to be tied for awhile.  When I laid her down to change her and check her little toes (to make sure no strings in her jammies were cutting off circulation) my sweet baby was shaking!  And her eyes, those big blue eyes!  I can't even explain those eyes to you.

It was at this time, staring back at her, holding her, hugging her, kissing her little cheeks, that I began to wonder.  What can a small baby understand?  What can she grasp?  How is it that she sees the world?  Because, in that moment, I really believe that she was terrified.  She was terrified that when I passed her off to my Mom and went up to bed that I was leaving her.  I think she was worried that I would disappear like her beloved Daddy.  Of course he's coming back!  Of course she gets to hear his voice from time to time.  But she can't see him!  And how do you explain to her, an infant, that he is not gone for good?  He will be home soon.  That he still loves her with all his heart.  And me, Mommy, Mommy is not going anywhere.  I would never leave her and not come back.  Never, ever.  I couldn't, even if I tried.  And finally, while I was worrying about all these things, and she was staring wide eyed at me, staring all the way into my soul, finally, she relaxed.  She calmed.  She trusted.  And then she slept.

I want to hold her forever.  I want to keep her safe from everything.  From everyone.  I don't ever want to see my baby staring back at me with those big blue eyes and that unexplainable look.  I want, always, to see that twinkle, the light, the love, the trust, the happiness, because she is worth it and because she gives all those things to me every single time I look at her. 

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T.G.I.F!

Hi everyone!  Today is a fantastic day!  My Mom is here!  She got in early, early this morning and we've been having a great day!  We made this week's cupcakes and they are AMAZING!  Head over to Kaia's Cupcakes http://kaiascupcakes.blogspot.com/ if you want to read more about them!

My elliptical got in today.  It's sitting in my garage right now as we speak!  Now I just need to get some help putting it together so I can start using it!

I will continue to post while my Mom is here.  I apologize in advance though because I probably will not be as avid of a reader of all of your blogs this week.  I'll try and catch up later if I can!

I really hope you all have a wonderful weekend!  I will be working, boo!  But . . . who cares!  My Mom's here!  Woot Woot!

Will Blog For Free

Oh wait!  I already do that!

Well, today is Thursday.  Tomorrow is Mommy arrives Friday (410am) and hubs has been gone for three weeks Friday.  Every day is such a mixed bag these days.  Great, soaring, exciting moments and crashes.  I'm not depressed.  Trust me, I know what that's like.  But, I would be lying if I said I wasn't down.

Here's a day in the life example:  Todd calls!  (Up)  Reception sucks!  (Down)  But, I know he's OK!  (Up)  It's raining and I have to take the beasts out (Down)  Kaia's face lights up in an amazing smile!  (Up)  She screams and cries, nothing makes her happy (Down)  She eats and falls asleep, angelic, in my arms (Up)  I get various annoying phone calls from con artists and the ringing threatens to wake the baby (Down)  I get the financial aid package for school in the mail!  Score!  (Up)  I find out I'm still on the wait list though and have to keep waiting (Down)  This is boring, and you get the point anyway . . .

Sorry if this is a Debbie Downer post again!  I am happy!  I am grateful for so many things in my life.  I know that He has blessed me.  Still, I cant shake the funk at the moment.

I am infinitely excited and optimistic that all will change tomorrow though!

And, as my husband would say, "And then I found $20!!!"

Wednesday

It's Wednesday and I'm not really feeling a post today.  Especially not a long one.  But . . . I already did my 30 minute exercise video today!  And Kaia's waking from her nap as I type this so, hopefully, we'll be off on our walk before long too.  I hope you are having a fantastic fitness day!

My exercise equipment is being delievered next Wednesday!  Exciting!

Dog Walkers Beware

Some people are jerks.  That's just a fact of life.  I will take you back to our walk on Sunday to tell you why I say this.  I walk, everyday if I can, for exercise, to get Kaia some fresh air, and to exercise and potty the two doggies.  So, this requires me to wear Kaia and hold one dog per hand.  Keys and doggie bags tucked somewhere in pants.  Most people that see us out like this stare or do a double take.  Many say, "Whoa!  You've sure got your hands full!"  Why yes, thank you for noticing!  I do!

However, some, instead do this . . .

We are on our way back.  We are all slightly tired.  We see a man and his dog, Kiyoshi's younger brother with a different coloring, across the street.  Of course this riles my dogs to no end.  I pull and tug at them to keep them moving.  The man crosses the street to our side.  Oh no!  We must be in front of his house!  He keeps approaching, I am really having to strain to get the dogs to move away now.  The man says nothing but grins at us.  Mind you, Kaia is still in her carrier as I visibly struggle.  He continues to approach within inches, continues to smile good naturedly.  Finally, I manage to get my dogs turned around, though grudgingly.  As we walk away, I hear this, "OK, [insert big happy grin-chuckle here] you've seen them now."  And they walk away from what, most definitely, was not their house.

Work It Out

Really trying to get back on the workout train.  Last week was walks and an exercise DVD - it's tough!  This week we are going to continue the same and try and fit in at least two short runs this week - foot permitting.  I picked up a running log at the mall so am excited to start using it!  Today we just had a mini walk, because of fussiness, but I also fit in 20 minutes of exercise in the house so not a bad start for the week.

Kaia is amazing!  She did so well on her appointment today!  She only cried for like 30 seconds with her shots!  She's healthy and strong.  I was a titch off on her measurements.  The nurse had her at just a little over 25 inches instead of 26.  She also weighed in at 12lbs 13oz.  And the best news of all . . . still no helmet needed!  I hope it stays that way!

Finally, long overdo, requested pictures of the Jers (L) and Yosh (R)!  This was right before a hike we took them on in June before little Miss Kaia arived.