Dear Kaia

Dear Kaia,

I've been thinking about you a lot lately.  Even more than before - which I didn't think was possible - now that Daddy's gone and it's just you and I.  You are so beautiful.  I fell in love with you the first moment I laid eyes on your pretty face.  And now that you are a couple months older, your smile just breaks my heart.  You are very good to your Mommy.  You aren't a fussy or difficult baby.  You do prefer to be held, but then I prefer holding you too, so it all works out well.

You continue to get longer every day.  I wish you'd gain a little more weight though.  You are a skinny baby.  You also - generally - are an amazing little sleeper.  Whenever I think I couldn't love you any more, I do.  You give me strength.  You help me through the days without your Daddy.  You look so much like him.  You have his gorgeously thick lashes, his cute scoop nose, his ears, the shape of his face.  You do have your Mommy's down turned lips though and my eyes.  Your hair is all your own.  Your cheeks are incredibly soft and scream for kisses all day.  Your Daddy is afraid some day you will hate kisses because we kiss/kissed you so much as a baby.

I've always wanted a lot of things.  A husband just like your Daddy.  A nice house.  A car.  You!  Now I want even more than ever!  The list is so long I don't know if I will be able to fit it all into this letter but I will try.  Forgive me for anything I may forget to add.  If it's good, you can be sure I meant to write that too.

I wish and I want for you all the day long!  I want you to have lots of friends.  I want some of them to be so close they are like a part of you and you stay friends forever.  I don't want you to be teased or bullied.  I want you to be smart, to love school, and books, to love reading.  I want to give you all the things you need and some of the things you want.  I want to give you a beautiful home with a yard and your own room - maybe a pool.  I want you to always be well fed, to never go hungry.  I want you to always be warm enough in the winter and cool enough in the summer.  I want to teach you how to swim, how to ride a bike, how to defend yourself.  I want you to be healthy - physically, emotionally, mentally.  I want to be able to make it better when you do get sick or hurt.  I want you to ALWAYS know that you are loved, no matter what.  I want you to love others.  I want you to be strong, courageous, and confident.  I want you to be kind.  I want you to ALWAYS feel beautiful and special.  I want you to believe in all the important things, like God and that dreams do come true.  I want you to believe in yourself.  I even want you to believe in the little things like Santa and the Easter Bunny.  I want to give you a brother or sister some day.  I want you to love each other, defend each other, be friends.  I want you to feel protected and safe.  I want you to go to college - hopefully, not too far from Mommy and Daddy.  I want you to always be financially secure.  I want you to have your dream job - even if that's being a Mommy.  I want you to find the man of your dreams.  I want him to live up to your expectations and give you all the things you deserve to have.  I don't want your heart to ever be broken.  If anyone ever does break your heart I want to fix that too and make it all better.  I want you to learn from your mistakes.  I want you to travel.  I want you to be able to experience your world.  I want you to appreciate it and cherish it.  I want you to feel a part of everything.  I want you to love music and the arts.  I want you to know other languages.  I want you to find your passion.  I want you to participate in sports, whether that's dance, karate, or anything in between.  I want you to know, really know, your Aunts, Uncles, cousins, Grandparents.  I hope you'll see the beauty in everything.  I don't ever want you to feel depressed or hopeless.  I hope that you will have a grand imagination.  I hope you can find the humour in things.  I hope you never really see or experience war or hate.  I hope you will live out your life in a world full of peace and love.  I hope you will try new things like different foods and experiences.  I hope you never feel dependent on drugs or alcohol.  I hope you are compassionate.  I want you to sleep well and dream sweet.  I want us to be close.  I want you to know that you can always trust me.  I want you to have freedom.  I want you to be proud of who you are and where you came from.  I want you to know how proud I am of you.  I want you to grow up knowing that your Daddy is your real world super hero and that he loves you with all his heart.  I want your Daddy and I to be alive and healthy to celebrate your graduations, marriage, birth of your children, and other successes and milestones in your life.  I don't ever want to be a burden to you and your family.  I want you to enjoy a long, healthy life.  Most of all, I want you to be happy.  Supremely, purely, blissfully, happy.  I want all this for you and more my beautiful daughter.

I love you now and 'til the end of time,
Mommy