Baby's Deep Thoughts

I am working this weekend.  That means that I get up early, very early, to drive to work, have a full day, and then have a drive home from work.  This, hopefully, will be the last weekend of the drive.  In any case, as Todd is gone, my Mom decided to visit this week/weekend to help me out with Kaia over these two days.

As many of you already know, Kaia does not like to go to bed at night.  Last night was no different.  I tried to stay up with her.  Then I went to bed because I knew I had to wake up so early.  But, finally, I could take it no longer.  I felt bad for my baby and for my Mom when I heard her continue to scream bloody murder.  After a little loving on her, I got her to calm down.

But . . . it was nothing short of horrific for me, heartbreaking!  My beautiful, little, even tempered, calm child was fit to be tied for awhile.  When I laid her down to change her and check her little toes (to make sure no strings in her jammies were cutting off circulation) my sweet baby was shaking!  And her eyes, those big blue eyes!  I can't even explain those eyes to you.

It was at this time, staring back at her, holding her, hugging her, kissing her little cheeks, that I began to wonder.  What can a small baby understand?  What can she grasp?  How is it that she sees the world?  Because, in that moment, I really believe that she was terrified.  She was terrified that when I passed her off to my Mom and went up to bed that I was leaving her.  I think she was worried that I would disappear like her beloved Daddy.  Of course he's coming back!  Of course she gets to hear his voice from time to time.  But she can't see him!  And how do you explain to her, an infant, that he is not gone for good?  He will be home soon.  That he still loves her with all his heart.  And me, Mommy, Mommy is not going anywhere.  I would never leave her and not come back.  Never, ever.  I couldn't, even if I tried.  And finally, while I was worrying about all these things, and she was staring wide eyed at me, staring all the way into my soul, finally, she relaxed.  She calmed.  She trusted.  And then she slept.

I want to hold her forever.  I want to keep her safe from everything.  From everyone.  I don't ever want to see my baby staring back at me with those big blue eyes and that unexplainable look.  I want, always, to see that twinkle, the light, the love, the trust, the happiness, because she is worth it and because she gives all those things to me every single time I look at her.